Ho Ho Ho!......

Hello!  I hope everyone is enjoying the season, the beginning of holidays for many of us in Aussie land!
I love holidays, I love warm weather, I love Christmas, I love giving and receiving presents, I adore my memories of Christmas and Santa and watching Christmas carols on the 24th and love that those experiences are our children's now to have, I love the family catch ups, the drinks with friends and the bubbley with sisters and cousins, I love planning the coming year with my husband, our children excitedly decorating the tree, Christmas shopping, making decorations and surprise visits from Santa at (it seems) every gathering during December!
I'm blessed that I get to be at home during this busy time and that work deadlines are not interfering with Christmas planning and the numerous events that pop up.  I used to be that person, working huge hours, busiest time of the year  that we'd been planning for since early October.  I once worked Christmas Day, it was toward the end of my Chef apprenticeship  and I swore never to do that again.
Sometimes we are in a rush or the day is not working out as planned or we are trying to juggle many things at once...I know but try to think of the beauty in the season, look at the children around you counting down the sleeps, stop competing for the best Turkey, Center piece, outfit and appreciate those pesky relatives that you dread,  take your time to get to your destination if your late...to bad, don't fight it, go with it, smile when things go wrong and continue on and if your a lucky one blessed with time to count sleeps until Santa's arrival than appreciate those less fortunate for whatever reason, show some compassion and forgiveness and top it of with a smile!!!  HO HO HO....xx

A couple of months ago......

     As the wind blew a little warmer and the spring flowers started to bloom all over our property I said to my husband  "there's a change in the air".  And yes we have come to accept some good changes that we have control over or have talked about and "planned" and those that make me feel as though I am  free falling...without a parachute.
 If you know me well you will know that once in awhile I fall apart I feel overcome I will shout or cry or both and then just as quickly.....peace, calm and strength return.  Sometimes I do this on my own other times its crying to my mum or sisters and many times it's close to my husband so that he can catch me without judgement.
 I am a very sensitive person, also an optimist however there are times that I'm not.  I am a hard worker and quite content however every now and again I feel under pressure, a little scared...no fight left.  Sometimes I don't believe in my abilities enough for them to drive me forward.
  I wish that I was smarter......   I've only mentioned this to a close  few as it really embarrasses me to my core.  It prevents me from taking on new roles and following my dreams.  I have a  terrible memory, I wish that I could remember ten names off  the bat, that I could read an article and remember content and dates accurately....but I cannot. And so I try to avoid situations where I am required to recall information, I don't study, the idea of a trivia night scares the hell out of me, I used to shy from meeting new people and I don't seem to follow particular dreams. I am restricted by fear even though I teach my children not to fear anything and that if they do to challenge it....face it.
And so with this warm spring scented wind I am accepting my dreams with a touch of reality, I am taking them seriously and wondering "what if" rather than "maybe one day".  There's a shift in my focus, our focus, my husband and I.  I am challenging my fears ever so slightly.  xx

Lately.....

This past week I've felt like Dorothy from the wizard of Oz and I've been for a ride in the house in the tornado and  CRASH!......I've recently landed again.........
Holidays are over, Fun run is over,  my phone has died , Ben has flown out, Kids have been sooo out of routine with holidays and daddy home and now the sun is going to bed later!!! and did I mention the crutches!?
I need to get my groove back!
This arvo the children were very "emotionally unstable" and  hungry and it seemed to be dinner time and so I just started cooking and we ate and  cleaned up and played out side for a little before bath time and then I checked the clock because recently I've assumed it was 7ish only to realise it was 9ish (and thus the emotionally unstable children!")  It was 4.50pm!!!  What had I done! It felt so right! Dinner was like afternoon tea and it wasn't going to be dark for another three hours!!!
This is me lately....Hopping around in a daze, routines out the window, everything taking 5 times longer to do, I've been a terrible friend, I was terrified when the tsunami warning went out to the Hawaii Islands where my parents are staying and I've been forced to take things a little slower or to do less actually.
The girls have a day at the farm for kinder tomorrow and I should be getting their lunches organised however I cannot be bothered and that means chaos tomorrow most likely but these crutches are wearing me out.....Seriously I had no idea the effort involved in hopping around all day and having to rethink the way in which I do most things eg,  Hmmm I've just successfully been to the fruit store, the children helped me by carrying a basket each, the staff brought the box of produce out to the car for me and of we went.  Arriving home sore and tired with three hungry children I wondered to myself how do I get the BOX of fruit and veggies up the steps and into the kitchen!?  I will do a post on this latest accessory of mine and some handy tips in the future.
Recently I did a post and  it was quite mmmm raw or real.  It made me edit it 5 times and question whether it was to personal, to inward,  also I had not planned it to take on the path that it did I had began writing with something else in mind and took a wrong turn.  I've still not published it and perhaps it's not that big a deal to others but to me its admitting a flaw of mine that I am quite aware of and is taking a lot of work for me to get over and accept.  I hope to be brave and publish it I've given it a lot of thought and this blog is based on honesty in the hope that it might help others or inspire them and also it's a record for my children who knows what's around the corner.....They will have this.
That's not to say that I publish everything, there are personal things that are kept close to my heart and our little family and these obviously affect me emotionally, the emotions I'm happy to write about.
So what else, I'm feeling tired and so will finish up but I am missing training with the girls and running.  Yesterday Ed and I took a milkshake and iced coffee break at the park by the lake and while we were slurping Ed looked at me and asked "Can we go for a run Mum?"  "Oh I would love to" I replied while pointing to my leg, so chuffed that he is missing our "thing" as much as me.
The other quick thing before I crash is last night I bought a Magnum ice cream (I've not had a nightly binge since the sugar challenge) and I ate it all, these things are huge and sweet and chocolaty and it was okay, I couldn't finish it, but did and wondered to my self what have I done! Anyhow Good night Sleep tight. xx

Puree's, Porridge and Painkillers

What is the universe trying to tell me?
Ben arrived home last Wed morning  (yay!)  and we had planned to have friends for dinner, spend the weekend with Cooper (my stepson),  and enjoy a couple of outings with the kids.  I also hoped to get my hair done (so many greys) and sneak down to Ocean Grove for a surf (my first in over a year).
Wednesday after I'd been to training Ben had noticed that our lovely Poodles the chook and Neville the rooster were missing.  Oh no!  (that was not a sarcastic oh no! but a real "can't be true, I'm still missing my dog not the chooks as well, Oh No!"  But "Oh Yes", our beloved Poodles and Neville and their shiny bright feathers and perfectly formed eggs (Poodles not Nevilles) were gone.
The next day after kinder and a run around the lake with my husband, (our first ever run together, I was so stoked).  It was my hardest run ever actually.  Usually the last 2kms is sheltered, not on Thursday, I had  a strong head on wind blowing the pusher back into me and the last kilometer took everything I had. I wanted to stop so many times and kept talking myself out of it anyway got there and later in the day after a cuppa and thinking about dinner I experienced abdominal pains similar to those in child birth! ( I was checked by the Dr and it was hopefully a one off) however it caused me to black out and hit both my head and chin while cracking my jaw.  Oooops! I tell you my darling husband misses a lot of events while working away from home but thankfully he was home for this.  I got fixed up and now apart from sleeping a lot and being limited to eating purees and soups I'm quite fine.
 However I'm wondering what have I done?  Why my dog, my chickens and my jaw!?  I'm still trying to work that one out and I know these moments of bad luck are nothing compared to what some families and/or individuals are going through but still is there a lesson in this for me??x

Beginnings and Endings

8am last week driving along to kinder chatting about ballet concerts and plans for the day and I realize I cannot keep my eyes on the road.  I'm scanning either side my heart beating faster each time I notice a dark shadow or log in the long grass.  Suddenly in between Ballet something and  "do we have snacks?" tears begin falling....Will Heid's make back it home?......

Turning Julia up on the radio to drown out my sniffles I continue driving and searching, a part of me saying "this is ridiculous" and the other saying "she has to come back she cannot of just gone!?"....

I remember the morning Ben brought that cute little puppy home to our little rental at Ocean Grove, a tiny little black puppy quite unexpected yet instant love, our little family of one dog now becoming two.  It was quickly decided that her name be Heidi, she was always hiding in funny places.  That seems so long ago, before children, weddings and mortgages.  Our time then was divided between working long hours, surfing and dreaming with our black smiling dogs all while being in love. 

So so much has changed since then our dreams are becoming our reality and we are growing older and wiser, that life and lifestyle along with our beautiful dogs are now happy memories that we share.  It was mine and Ben's beginnings and those beautiful dogs that shared it are now loving memories too....x

Up close....

Sometimes In true Piscean form I want to withdraw from the world and hide

Sometimes I am much to sensitive to the people around me and I hurt deep inside

Sometimes I get so frustrated that others are wasting there energy and influence with negativity

Sometimes I feel so alone and vulnerable that I cry and long for my husbands embrace

Sometimes I miss that embrace so much that I withdraw from communication while he's away

Sometimes I wish others would see me as quite simply whats in front of them

Sometimes I shy away from compliments and I hope that does not offend

Sometimes I look at a stranger and whisper to myself..."bless them"

Sometimes I am so affected by an unexpected smile

Sometimes I feel so proud that my insides want to burst out
Sometimes I love so much that a tear comes to my eye...x

Sunday thoughts...

All is peaceful all is calm. The house is empty at this point in time.  The children are with Ben (hubby) taking Cooper my step-son home to Geelong after a lovely, noisy, excited weekend with us.  I love having a full house.  The noise and the mess don't worry me for temporary catch-ups with friends or family, it's messy love... So Ben is taking them out to lunch and then to the park by the bay, it will be warmer there and I wish I was with them although we don't all fit in the car and the solitude is so so so lovely for a while, Ben knows that I need it and this memory for the children of them with daddy on this fun day running around at the park by the bay full of freedom, fresh sea air and daddy, will be a happy one that they will remember forever....
 I'm feeling tugged at times when Bens home, I want to spend every moment with him and the children, however I also need to rejuvenate, I really do need some down time and some private time with my beautiful husband.  Saturday night I'd organised a double date night with good friends of ours, we were so excited babysitters organised, outfits chosen and then Miss S, 'oh dear' became ill....poor bubba, poor mama and papa.  Not to worry ! We've had a lovely weekend, some moments to ourselves, Miss S is fully recovered and everyone is happy.  Good food, snuggles and cuddles, laughs and dreams and some wet, cold days.  Winter will not last forever I am telling myself....
Friday I registered for the 6km Ballarat fun run and the following day caught up with a group of social runners.  Running without the pusher I surprised myself completely and am now mentally prepared to train for the 12km run instead.  I'm so proud and excited and hooked on running, the mental challenge, the physical challenge and the tight butt!!  Ben and I have a bet actually, we are both going to run and first to finish between us gets either a fishing charter or a day at the spa!!!  I've got this in the bag for sure!!!  I'ts our own little challenge...together...I'ts already so much fun and it will entertain us even while we're apart.  I'm so proud of my darling for setting this up and even though I laugh at him and my own jokes (I honestly am soo funny!!)  to much, I love him to pieces, he's so supportive and romantic and knows me so well, we are so different, complete opposites and sometimes that is hard, but we're good at getting through "stuff" and he laughs at my jokes and me his.  I get  scared that one of us will leave this world to soon, so again take note and enjoy the little things!!!! xx

CHOOSE TO BE HAPPY

I felt a little lost this weekend, It started Thursday morning  my beautiful Mr Spaghetti awoke pale and with a sore stomach.  Poor little thing was miserable so we cancelled kinder for the girls and a long awaited play date with a much loved little family.  By lunch time Mr Spaghetti was actually sick and  then seemed to pick up however I rang my brother and cancelled our 5km run together along the coast, oh I was soooo looking forward to this run....not to worry poor Mr Spaghetti cheer up little buddy. On our way home from the coast we'd planned to pick up my stepson so that he could spend the weekend with us and some family friends that were coming to stay, however you guessed it... we cancelled.  I sound as though I'm feeling sorry for myself don't I? It wasn't that bad,  I was more worried about Mr S although as I've mentioned before our family has spent a lot of time being ill of late, colds and flu and the dreaded gastro and now my heart just sinks, I'm beginning to feel  "over it", "over" the weather, grey cold and wet, "over' the bugs and virus's and "over" being stuck inside, I was craving fresh air.  So Friday afternoon, fully recovered and everyone healthy yet maybe contagious?? We rugged up and took the dogs for a walk along the road  through the bush, bikes, prams, scooters, three children and two dogs.  I gained my fix of fresh air, the kids shook the wiggles out, we walked up and down hills, through puddles, swapping bikes and prams and scooters and taking turns to walk the puppy.  Once we arrived home warm and relaxed, calm and content the children played and I had a quick play on the computer, I came across the words "we choose to be happy" or there about ( I would of made a link although I didn't  bookmark the page).  There are choices I make, I choose to be positive as opposed to being negative, I choose not to be quick to judge, I choose to do the dishes before the children are in bed, I choose not to litter (major pet hate of mine), I choose not to put my fruit in a plastic bag at the fruit shop and I choose to wear pajamas all day some days sad but true. But choosing to be happy, aren't you just happy or not? I know positive thinking and exercise and being kind to others etc effect our moods, but actually choosing to be happy??
 I slept well last night and awoke this morning and said to myself  "I choose to be happy" it seemed to make sense  "I'm going to be happy today... all day?"  That's what I've done, the children were non responsive to the " please pack up the lego, get dressed and finish breakfast so we can get to swimming on time" request and  three requests later I stayed happy and they eventually responded after turning of the TV and pointing out on the clock when we were leaving dressed or not.  And so on and so fourth, I had this little mantra going on in my head all day and perhaps today was going to be a great day with or without me saying this to myself but it seemed to put an extra skip in my step on this cold wet day and we made it to swimming.
Right now the children are all asleep, the house is cosy and warm, i'm enjoying a glass of wine while watching the football and writing this and tomorrow while enjoying breakfast with my lovelies I'll tell them that its only three sleeps until Daddy's home.
 Sometimes there's no choosing. x

Serenading the sitter

 35th birthday it read on the card, I quickly messaged the sitter are you free, are you free?   A glass of wine, some lippy and heels on my feet?  Please be free, oh be free, oh wonderful one,  I've people to meet and glances to steal,  faces to see that I've not seen for years.
 It's an old school friends birthday, we've laughing to do and stories to hear, Oh please say you'll do it my babysitting dear. Waiting and waiting for the sitters reply, who to ask next if the answer is "nigh"?
Oh what shall I wear? Should I drink or drive?  And who will be there?  If I know no-one I'll die.
Then I think to myself if it's no I won't mind, I've so much to do and so little time. It will be freezing out there and there's grey in my hair.  I can just stay at home, yeah I don't mind a no.  At home there's a fire and children to cuddle and wine in the cupboard if the days full of trouble.  I'll get a good sleep and pick up that book and defrost that chicken and have a good cook.  Well the moments arrived my phone says with a beep Oh what will it say as I jump to my feet! x