A couple of months ago......

     As the wind blew a little warmer and the spring flowers started to bloom all over our property I said to my husband  "there's a change in the air".  And yes we have come to accept some good changes that we have control over or have talked about and "planned" and those that make me feel as though I am  free falling...without a parachute.
 If you know me well you will know that once in awhile I fall apart I feel overcome I will shout or cry or both and then just as quickly.....peace, calm and strength return.  Sometimes I do this on my own other times its crying to my mum or sisters and many times it's close to my husband so that he can catch me without judgement.
 I am a very sensitive person, also an optimist however there are times that I'm not.  I am a hard worker and quite content however every now and again I feel under pressure, a little scared...no fight left.  Sometimes I don't believe in my abilities enough for them to drive me forward.
  I wish that I was smarter......   I've only mentioned this to a close  few as it really embarrasses me to my core.  It prevents me from taking on new roles and following my dreams.  I have a  terrible memory, I wish that I could remember ten names off  the bat, that I could read an article and remember content and dates accurately....but I cannot. And so I try to avoid situations where I am required to recall information, I don't study, the idea of a trivia night scares the hell out of me, I used to shy from meeting new people and I don't seem to follow particular dreams. I am restricted by fear even though I teach my children not to fear anything and that if they do to challenge it....face it.
And so with this warm spring scented wind I am accepting my dreams with a touch of reality, I am taking them seriously and wondering "what if" rather than "maybe one day".  There's a shift in my focus, our focus, my husband and I.  I am challenging my fears ever so slightly.  xx

Crutches and happy thoughts.....

Sitting here this afternoon watching my children and our friends children play happily, I'm feeling blessed and content.  Conversations between adults coming and going, both fireplaces burning, pork roasting on the Webber.
This was a snap shot of our home last week after my friend and my 11km Fun run experience.  (my first of many, hopefully).  I ran it in 55mins, I crossed the line number 341 out of approx 870 participants.  However I hurt my leg in the last 100mt and hopped aided over the line.  I've been to physio for the second time  and not much has improved  and so a bone scan is next on the cards. I'm very keen to get back on my feet and today I started thinking about running and am missing it and a little worried about the length of time recovery may take, it's bloody sore at times I know that much and to be honest I thought I'd be back on my feet by now.
Ben flies out this week I was quite worried as to how I would manage but am feeling more confident now, the kids think the crutches are cool and Little Bear calls them rails, Ed shoots things with them and  I want to throw them at the wall sometimes.  I'm thankful however that Ben has been home and that it happened at the end of the run and that I'm able to drive and hop around usually pain free, it's not permanent and I will run again soon.
 Also I have destroyed another phone and have no house phone it will be 2-3 weeks before Telstra can hook me up with another phone as they're only distributing the new model that they've run out of.  So I'm not making much contact lately but am checking facebook and emails and your welcome to drop by, just ignore the mess!!  xx

Puree's, Porridge and Painkillers

What is the universe trying to tell me?
Ben arrived home last Wed morning  (yay!)  and we had planned to have friends for dinner, spend the weekend with Cooper (my stepson),  and enjoy a couple of outings with the kids.  I also hoped to get my hair done (so many greys) and sneak down to Ocean Grove for a surf (my first in over a year).
Wednesday after I'd been to training Ben had noticed that our lovely Poodles the chook and Neville the rooster were missing.  Oh no!  (that was not a sarcastic oh no! but a real "can't be true, I'm still missing my dog not the chooks as well, Oh No!"  But "Oh Yes", our beloved Poodles and Neville and their shiny bright feathers and perfectly formed eggs (Poodles not Nevilles) were gone.
The next day after kinder and a run around the lake with my husband, (our first ever run together, I was so stoked).  It was my hardest run ever actually.  Usually the last 2kms is sheltered, not on Thursday, I had  a strong head on wind blowing the pusher back into me and the last kilometer took everything I had. I wanted to stop so many times and kept talking myself out of it anyway got there and later in the day after a cuppa and thinking about dinner I experienced abdominal pains similar to those in child birth! ( I was checked by the Dr and it was hopefully a one off) however it caused me to black out and hit both my head and chin while cracking my jaw.  Oooops! I tell you my darling husband misses a lot of events while working away from home but thankfully he was home for this.  I got fixed up and now apart from sleeping a lot and being limited to eating purees and soups I'm quite fine.
 However I'm wondering what have I done?  Why my dog, my chickens and my jaw!?  I'm still trying to work that one out and I know these moments of bad luck are nothing compared to what some families and/or individuals are going through but still is there a lesson in this for me??x

A little dark hole....

It had been two weeks since my last workout and I was chomping at the bit!!  Sunday we went for a 2km jog, the girls on bikes and Mr Spaghetti in the pusher it was a beautiful day and so nice to be getting some vitamin D...finally.  Afterwards a play at the park  and quick catch-up with friends while I drooled over those able to jog freely for as long as they desired.
Monday was finally the day!!  The children were healthy and the car running smoothly and so of to kinder and then time to run....I was so keen and ready to improve on my time...bring it on!
6km later and a slight feeling of nausea  mixed with elation and I was on cloud nine, best time ever and proud as punch.
This run however symbolized a lot more than just running better, faster.  My weekend consisted of an overdrive in hormones resulting in feelings of blue and grey, that mixed with the realization that my dog is missing and that my son needed to be put to bed roughly twenty-eight times.  I NEEDED this run and I new that I could climb out of that hole at the bottom of the hill and get back to the top!!!  And there I was QUEEN OF THE MOUNTAIN!!! (I allow myself an enlarged ego directly after a run!)
 Challenge yourself, push yourself, If your unhappy with a a part of yourself  or your life CHANGE IT,  It may take a couple of weeks, a year or seven attempts to get to the first step of your goal, but if you continue to remind yourself of your goals and why you want to reach them,  keep inspiring yourself let others inspire you, have gentle reminders and be okay with failing, I believe its trying again that's the real test....Dont give up, GET TO THE TOP OF YOUR MOUNTAIN!!.x

Up close....

Sometimes In true Piscean form I want to withdraw from the world and hide

Sometimes I am much to sensitive to the people around me and I hurt deep inside

Sometimes I get so frustrated that others are wasting there energy and influence with negativity

Sometimes I feel so alone and vulnerable that I cry and long for my husbands embrace

Sometimes I miss that embrace so much that I withdraw from communication while he's away

Sometimes I wish others would see me as quite simply whats in front of them

Sometimes I shy away from compliments and I hope that does not offend

Sometimes I look at a stranger and whisper to myself..."bless them"

Sometimes I am so affected by an unexpected smile

Sometimes I feel so proud that my insides want to burst out
Sometimes I love so much that a tear comes to my eye...x

The Sugar what?????

I've just eaten a spinach, beetroot and goats cheese salad with chickpeas and lemon yogurt dressing, whoo hoo!  Mrs Spunky is doing a two week sugar free challenge, absolutely no sugar, no honey, nothing, zip, not a trace, she's even checking the ingredients on breads etc WHOO HOO!!!
 I decided to see if I could cut out the tsp of sugar I have in my coffee twice a day, It somehow was quite easy, I don't miss it at all, very surprising.  So as The Sugar Challenge date neared I somehow decided to see how I would go.  I'm still deciding if this was a good idea or not.  The timing was as good as it could get, the new fitness routine and step up from walking to jogging has really increased my confidence and enthusiasm.  Also my diet to date is quite balanced and contains minimal processed foods.  The real challenge for me, oh golly! "the kids are in bed and I'm exhausted, if I just fold that pile of washing and tidy up I can treat myself to 1/2 a block of top deck" challenge.........
It's day four and I'm coping, a little surprised to see what they sneak sugar into these days but going well.  It's quite amazing actually by challenging yourself how you end up looking for healthier alternatives rather than simply omitting sweet.  My downfalls in the healthy eating department are not enough fruit, not enough water and too much Chocolate.  While I've not yet found a replacement for my nightly binge (Mrs Spunky told me to try fruit, an orange perhaps, well last night I wanted to throw an orange at her! )  I've replaced honey on my porridge with dried and fresh fruits and afternoon snacks are now natural yogurt and fruit and nuts rather than well no yogurt and probably not enough fruit.
So these changes are okay, the one thing I've not omitted is the soy milk of which I probably drink 500ml a day, it contains raw sugar.  Everything else is gone. Yay!  I think I'm feeling better and I seem to be sleeping better, as the weeks progress I will notice more of a differnce.  Some of the girls are doing the challenge for weight-loss others for a healthier lifestyle, the idea is to make the challenge a couple of times annually to create a healthier happier you.  Have a look at  fitness food and style a very inspirational blog where Danny keeps a daily record of her diet, including photographs of the food and also before and after shots of her pregnancies.xx

Serenading the sitter

 35th birthday it read on the card, I quickly messaged the sitter are you free, are you free?   A glass of wine, some lippy and heels on my feet?  Please be free, oh be free, oh wonderful one,  I've people to meet and glances to steal,  faces to see that I've not seen for years.
 It's an old school friends birthday, we've laughing to do and stories to hear, Oh please say you'll do it my babysitting dear. Waiting and waiting for the sitters reply, who to ask next if the answer is "nigh"?
Oh what shall I wear? Should I drink or drive?  And who will be there?  If I know no-one I'll die.
Then I think to myself if it's no I won't mind, I've so much to do and so little time. It will be freezing out there and there's grey in my hair.  I can just stay at home, yeah I don't mind a no.  At home there's a fire and children to cuddle and wine in the cupboard if the days full of trouble.  I'll get a good sleep and pick up that book and defrost that chicken and have a good cook.  Well the moments arrived my phone says with a beep Oh what will it say as I jump to my feet! x

Make it hurt!

It's 12.30pm, I've just devoured a salad sandwich, full of salad mind you, it was one of those messy ones that you'd rather be eating at home than in a public place.  I certainly gave the kids a run for their money, Little Bear and Miss S are five and Mr Spagetti is three and they still make such a mess when they eat, it's quite ridiculous.  They have manners and I insist they use them, they must sit at the table until they've finished and they try really hard to use cutlery for the majority of the meal, I understand fingers are often quicker and to be honest if they're intent on getting the food in quickly than two things, they are eating a healthy meal and my efforts (this time) were  worth it.  So I'm now having a cuppa and have just eaten 2 rows of top deck (please ignore this), actually it was 3 rows, however I have also just carted a very large wheelbarrow of wood from the wood shed to the bottom of the back steps and then carted armfuls (about 10-12kg) up the steps into the wood basket about 6-7 times (take note of that part).  I am feeling great!  Why???
About six weeks ago I was invited by a good friend Mrs Spunky to join a fitness group Crabtree Fitness Profesionals.  Great idea I thought, I'd just started walking six km on Mondays and was enjoying the uplifting feeling, of both my spirit and my buttocks.  An added bonus was that my little ones could come and play with the other children, I just had to turn up......that easy!  So after arriving on day one of my new Wednesday routine, I was all smiles, the sun was shining and all of the women were really lovely and of varied ages, and weights.  Off we went full of enthusiasm,  jogging and jumping and lunging and twisting our way through the 45min class. Whoa, I thought I was going to vomit, what a shock to my system.  With a laugh we all made it back to our cars, we were all in pain but you couldn't wipe the smiles of our faces, we had done it and week by week our fitness and energy levels were going to rise!
Now here I am 6 weeks in and I love it, when it gets hard (and we expect it to)  we make jokes and laugh our way through and then when it gets harder (which it does) we call out to each other with encouragement.  By the end of the session we are relieved and proud, so, so proud.
Here I am now feeling healthier, sexier, more confident, content and happy and it's all due to one little hour of my time focused on me!  My advice is to get out there! Be happy, surprise yourself and clear your mind. x

One month to go

My three year old is on the couch.  He'd been put to bed 10 minutes earlier, tucked in tight, warm milk and a kiss.   This had lasted long enough for me to sit down with a cuppa and blanket also tucked in tightly.  He is now looking at me from the couch while crunching on lolly-pop left overs, I should be over there quick as a flash removing the sticky mess and straight back to bed for him.  I'm not, obviously, I'm here writing.  
My husband works away, I usually do not bring it up  however he's supposed to be there now on that couch looking at me.  We were supposed to have one more night together before he's three am departure for four weeks.  We've been robbed of twelve precious hours together and it's a shock to my system. I miss him.  So it's time to keep busy, the first few hours are the hardest.  My girls had tears in their eyes today saying goodbye to daddy and tomorrow my son will call out excitedly to dad before realizing  that he's not here and that he misses him.  I will feel lonely and hope that he's okay without his family.  One week of keeping busy  and time will heal, daily life will take over and before we know it one week to go! xx